Favorite Quotes

As parents, we guide by our unspoken example. It is only when we are talking to them that our kids aren't listening. - Robert Brault

I Notice

Learning to notice (without judgement) what our children are doing, express that and simply be curious is one of the most effective parenting tools we can acquire. It is an effective way to communicate with our children, create trust and build self esteem all at the same time.

Observe your child and communicate what you see by saying simply, "I notice (fill in blank)." Strive to fill in the blank with as little intrepretation, assumption or judgement as possible. For example. "I notice you hit your brother. I wonder if you are angry?" is more effective than, "I notice you are being mean to your brother." Another example might be, "I notice your seem to be working hard on that drawing. Can you tell me about it?" is more effective than "I notice your drawing a really nice picture of a wheel barrel," especially if it is a table and not a wheel barrel!


Noticing and being curious builds self esteem and confidence. Children begin to feel like what they are doing is important to their parent. What they are doing is worth noticing, and discussing. They begin to trust that the parent values what is happening for them and trusts that they can articulate that to the parent versus the parent assuming they know what the child is doing, thinking or feeling.


Noticing also role models for the child a natural curiousity about their own process. It promotes creative thinking. It models an interest in others and our surroundings, and strengthens self awareness.

Effective Communicating part 2

In response to what I wrote in part one I often hear some of the following responses.

"Great, except my children never notice what I am doing?"

I would challenge you to examine this. Have you ever had some one point out your child has the same jesters as you, or your child says things just like you do? Have you ever seen your child playing and pretending to do something you do such as talking on the phone, or working at a computer. I remember watching both my daughters at seperate times in their lives playing with their dolls, and getting ready to go carrying exactly the same things I would carry to park day, a bag for diapers and a change of clothes, a bag for snacks, a purse, a water bottle in one hand, a cell phone in the other and a baby on one hip!

Another response I hear is, "I just can't (or don't want to) finish all the things I start?"

This may very well be true....for both you AND your child. Maybe you are both people who like to experiment and try many things, finishing those things that are most important to you. This isn't an article on whether or not children (or anyone) should finish what they started, but rather communicating more effectively. Maybe the communication in this case could be, "I noticed you haven't worked on this project in awhile. Are you still interested in this project or is there something else you are interested in now?"

Keep in mind that children's interest often return to projects later. Sometimes just a little time in storage is enough to make something interesting again. Communication in this case can sound like this, "Do you think you might be interested in this project later? (pause) How about we put it in the garage where you can easily get at it, and when you are ready, we can get it out?" This gives your child the option to let time help them decide if it is still an interest they want to pursue.

After time you may be surprised how much they are suddenly interested in it, or truly aren't for a variety of reasons that could include they found it isn't something they enjoy or it is something they have out grown. If you find, in this particular example, that your child never wants to let any of their project or things go to the garage it could be they have not developed trust that you won't throw them away with out their knowledge.

So, let's talk about building trust.....

......coming soon!

Effective Communication

Children have more need of models than of critics. - Carolyn Coats, Things Your Dad Always Told You, But You Didn't Want to Hear

Interestingly enough this quote is a proponent for role models, not praise. Notice the author brings our attention to the fact that children are watching what we do more than they need us to tell them either what they did right or wrong. More of our communication with our children happens through our actions than through our words.

Never fear! I realize that most of us seek also to improve our communication through what and how we say things, so I address both our words and our actions. Just keep in mind that even as we improve our verbal communication, the old adage "Actions Speak Louder Than Words," is still true.

I have found it helpful to ask just before you say anything to your child, "Have I already said what I want to say through my actions?" If so, you don't need to say anything except maybe to voice what you notice and express curiousity for example, "I notice that you aren't working on your project anymore? Is there something I can help you with?"

If you haven't already said what you want to say through your actions, then begin to say it with what you do. Show that you value finishing projects by finishing the projects you start. Once you have done that you can refer back to the previous paragraph for something you might say verbally.

(stay tuned to this blog for more on this subject soon!)

Children Learn What They Live

The quote from Dorothy Law Nolte, PhD entitled, "Children Learn What They Live," embodies so much of the philosophy of Empowering Parents, Empowering Children. It begins like this... If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn. If children live with hostility, they learn to fight. If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive. It continues on in that fashion. I strongly encourage you to get a copy and contemplate it. I would like to add a line that isn't in the version I found. If children live with unconditional love and acceptance, they are empowered. I empower people for a living, and what I see over and over is that the reason they need empowering in the first place comes from beliefs and blocks that were formed years before I even met them. If you are looking for support as a parent begin by reading "Children Learn What They Live," and then ask yourself, how can I become more unconditional and accepting with myself? How can I become more unconditional and accepting of my children.